The Gifts of a Child

Ok, so Glennon Doyle Melton re-posted an essay on her blog (www.momastery.com) today entitled "Every Child is Gifted. Every.Single.One".  I love Glennon and no doubt her post will get a bazillion hits.  I wrote about the same topic in an essay titled "The Gifts of a Child" waaaaaay back in 2010.
Thanks for reminding me, Glennon and here's my own thoughts on the topic:

From the time my sons were born, I’ve fought the urge to compare them to other kids their age.  Baby playgroups were my worst nightmare.  If we weren’t talking breast feeding or sleeping through the night, it was “who did what the first, finest, or farthest!”  We regaled each other with tales of accomplishment, always in a loud voice and with a little self-righteous smile.  No wonder the babies all ended up crawling in a circle and high-fiving each other!  (Ok, they were fighting over the same toy and hitting, but it could have happened.)  I hated myself for getting sucked into the commentary and for thinking that it even mattered.  I had studied child development and knew that there was a spectrum of skill acquisition.  There would inevitably be the precocious child who was not only clever, but beautiful and well-dressed to boot. There would also be the late bloomer, the runt of the litter, who just needed time to come into his own and grow some hair on that tiny, bald head.  As for the rest of the group? Well, they were just your average chubby, drooling babies in Gap overalls and swim diapers who cried when hungry, tired, or strapped into their car seats for the ride home.

As my boys have grown, I’ve watched them become who, I think, they were always meant to be.  My husband and I have spent countless hours analyzing where their strengths and challenges came from.  They must have gotten his intelligence, determination, strong will, and drive for perfection. My abilities shine in their sensitivity, common sense, and senses of direction and humor. Surely it is HIS stubbornness, controlling nature, and volatile temper they’ve got.  It couldn’t possibly be MY impulsivity, need for attention, change, and drama!  The bottom line is, IT’S JUST WHO THEY ARE WIRED TO BE!

Children are born with unique brains and therefore, unique intelligences, learning styles, and potential.  Throw in cultural influences, socioeconomic status, and geographic location, not to mention global warming, mad-cow disease, and prenatal exposure to caffeine, and it’s a wonder they even come out at all!  Regardless of limitations or talents, I believe every child has a gift and is therefore, gifted. It’s up to us, as parents, to work with these gifts and teach our children to do the same.  The talent is in how you use what you’ve been given. I am convinced that all children can, and will, through continued hard work, motivation, hope, and support, achieve to their fullest potential and soar. Some of them will go higher and sail on the breeze, some of them will flap harder and fight the wind. They all have wings, we just need to believe they can fly!

I marvel at children who were born with physical or mental challenges, knowing how hard it is just make it through the day.  Mine and my children’s lives, have been enriched beyond measure by the experience of knowing kids like Jesse, who has congenital heart disease and can’t play contact sports, but runs faster than my boys.  Like Annie who has autism and tells us she loves us with her smile instead of her words; or Zeke who is learning disabled, but eagerly repairs a lawn mower or car engine for the neighbors next door. It would be easy to say they didn’t meet expectations, failed, or even humiliated us. Instead I choose to cheer their attempts, their persistence, the grace with which they face their disability; they are often the strongest, happiest, and most proud among us.

 I’m equally enthralled with the kids for whom it comes easy, wondering if that will always be their life experience. Like Jane, who took apart her mom’s vacuum cleaner and put it back together again before she went to kindergarten; or Sami, who is in third grade, but studies calculus online during math class.  Then there is Johnny, who made the varsity squad in three sports, at the age of ten.   I’ve watched them lead the line, win the gold medal, and graduate before they hit puberty.  I admire their determination, perseverance, and strength.  I try not to label, judge, or pretend I’m not envious of their triumphs.

I know the key lies in differentiating children’s learning styles, accepting that some are accelerated and some slower learners.  Some kids need to work at an advanced pace and a more challenging level than others.  Many just need extra time or repetition to get it right.  Of course, there are also those that require specialized classrooms or time pulled out of regular education for individualized interventions.  At home, school, on the playground and in life, these children must exist side by side without being defeated or stigmatized.

All children can grow, with love and acceptance, into just who they were meant to be. All kinds of minds can be counted and valued.  The common goal can be the smile they share, the laughs they leave behind, and the happiness they get from doing their best. We can cherish the strengths, and embrace the weaknesses, for the beautiful gifts they are…the gifts of each and every child.

Stephanie Barsness, 2010

Eulogy for Ednard Barsness, Jr.

My name is Stephanie Barsness and I have been married to Ed’s oldest son, Greg for 20 years.  Ed was my father-in-law and my friend.  I am honored to speak for our family in remembering him. 

Over the past year and a half, I had the privilege of attending medical appointments at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester with Ed and Josette.  As you can imagine, those visits were some of the most difficult and challenging times of his life.  Ed fought a long, hard battle with multiple myeloma for twelve years, enduring chemotherapy, physical discomfort and pain, yet always proving to be the model of strength, determination, and good cheer. It didn’t surprise his family and friends, as that is the way Ed chose to live his life…with strength, determination, and good cheer.

Ed grew up in a family of women in Starbuck, MN.  For those of you who aren’t Norwegian or from MN, it’s the lutefisk and lefsa capital of the United States.  His two sisters, Geri and Karen, and mother, Geneva were ever-present in his life while his father, Ednard Sr. was often employed away from home to support the family.  From them, Ed learned the value of hard work, a strong devotion to family, and a kindness and gentleness of spirit.  He carried those strengths forward in his daily life.  Ed liked to tell stories about growing up- of his high school shenanigans with Ed Rasmusen and Chuck Brown, of his neighbor’s dog “Inky”, and his job at the Dairy Queen.

After high school, he was drafted into the United States Army.  Following his service, he was employed by the JC Penney Company in sales.  He enjoyed his time selling menswear- especially fitting suits and shoes.  Take a good look at the Barsness men upfront here.  I know where they got their good looks, good taste, and who taught them how to stand tall and proud in a well-cut suit. Ed prided himself on his strong work ethic and appearance and devoted himself to a job well done.  He was a steadfast and loyal employee, determined to succeed in his career.  Upon retiring from Penney’s, he obtained his Real Estate Broker license and enjoyed 10 years selling homes in St Cloud.  Always a salesman, Ed charmed everyone he met with his humor and grace right to the very end.  Nursing and clinical staff all commented on what a “good patient” he was and how willing he was to follow orders and please his doctors and care team. 

Ed and Josette started dating while they were in high school. Old photos of the two of them show a handsome guy with a snazzy ’57 Chevy convertible and a pretty young girl on his arm.  They fell immediately in love and were faithfully devoted to each other through 52 years of marriage.  They were married here at Hennepin Avenue United Methodist Church in 1962.  They were a good team- Ed and Josette- they had a true care and concern for each other and were always quick to share a smile and a laugh.  As a couple, they enjoyed dancing, television, movies, golf, travel and time with family and friends.  They spent almost every night of their married life together, ordered for each other in restaurants, ate off of each other’s plates, wore each other’s glasses, and modeled for their family steadfast love and dedication.  True companions and best friends, they provided for each other with amazing strength in mind, body, and spirit.  Josette proved her love for Ed beyond measure this past year in her excellent caregiving.                 

Josette, I know you will never doubt for a moment that you provided him with his every wish and fulfilled all his deepest desires.  You were his soul mate.

Ed and Josette raised their sons, Greg and Brian to be strong, loyal, hard-working men who now are loving husbands to Sara and I.  Ed was an extraordinary father.  He called Greg and Brian both ”Buddy” and always stood behind and beside them, sharing their accomplishments, hopes, and dreams.   I see so much of Ed in his boys. Their quiet voices, perseverance in education and careers, gentle care of their children, loyalty to their friends…and the same adoration of their wives.

Greg and Brian hosted a wonderful family gathering in their Dad’s honor last night.  We joked, laughed, and toasted Ed amid a few tears. 

Greg and Brian shared a love of sports with their Dad- playing golf, fishing, attending Twins and Saints games, watching Gopher and Duke University basketball together and always, ALWAYS talking scores and strategy.  Beginning 15 years ago, when we lived in NC, Greg would call his Dad after every Duke BB game to rehash the play by play.  Last week, they watched their last game via Skype together.   Coach K better take that Duke team all the way to the Final Four this month and when they win it, we will all know which angel to thank.

Greg and Brian, you have big shoes to fill-on and off the courts, and I know you will.  You couldn’t have proven your love for your Dad more than you have over the past few days.

Ed was a wonderful father-in-law and friend as well.  Tender and kind, I will miss him calling me “dear” and cleaning my glasses diligently for me on our visits. Ed was always quick with a joke or a story.  He loved to read the newspaper- folding it back in proper order when he was done.  He was a history buff and enjoyed reading and studying maps.   He listened to WCCO radio and liked to talk politics.  He loved music- especially Waylon Jennings and Johnny Cash, but always joked that the only instrument he ever played was the shoehorn.

Perhaps the fondest memory I will have of Ed is in his role as grandfather.  When Samuel, Joseph, Erik and Eva were around, Ed was the happiest man on earth.  His love and affection for them was always evident.  He never shied from holding the kids as babies and never missed an opportunity to watch the four of them grow and learn. 

Sam, Joseph, Erik and Eva, he was your first babysitter, your loyal audience at sports, music and school events, and you were his little “buddies”. 

Sam, I hope you always remember him pitching a tent and camping with you in the basement.  Joseph, you know what a good sport Grandpa was.  There’s a photo on the board out there of you and Grandpa with your hair dyed green on St Patrick’s Day.  Ed was our Norwegian Irishman.  Erik, you will never eat another strawberry, chocolate or vanilla wafer cookie without thinking of Grandpa.  Eva, you were his only little girl- ever.  That made you special to him.  Grandpa Ed gave the best hugs and fist bumps and could not have been prouder of the children you are. Thank you for the joy you brought Grandpa and especially for the compassion and care you showed for him this past year.

Strength, determination, and good cheer. 

Ed Barsness exemplified these qualities and many more.  He was a good man, and lived a life well-loved.  Our family wishes to thank you for your presence with us here today, your love and support, and for honoring and remembering Ed as he was- strong, smiling, and full of life. 

Rest in peace, Buddy.

 Delivered 3-12-14 at Hennepin Ave United Methodist Church, Mpls