Judging

Fast from judging others; feast on the Christ dwelling in them.

When I reflect on this line from Ward's prayer, I am reminded of Olympia Dukakis as

Clairee in Steel Magnolias saying, "Well, as somebody always said, 'if you can't say anything nice about someone, come sit by me!'"  That pretty much sums it up for me too.  I am amused by making judgements about other people.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a cold, callous, or cruel person by nature.  I just like a good gossip!  This, of course, really is the essence of judgement, though, isn't it?

Deciding to talk about someone else as if you really know who they are, how they live, what they represent, or anything about them beyond how they appear in looks, actions, or words.  I tell my kids all the time to "stop being so judgmental" and then I turn around and catch myself in a conversation that smacks every bit as much of critique of another.  What is it that drives that need to judge?  Insecurity? 

Naivety?  Impulsivity?  

All I know is that it is wrong to try and tell another person's story.  We can't truly know it completely and it is not ours to judge.  We must instead look to the Christ within them.  I think this means finding the spark of sacred in every human being created by God and honoring it.  Oh, what a difficult task that is. Honor the creepy guy in the elevator next to me?  The road rager who just flipped me off in the turn lane?  The crazy lady who walks alone downtown?  What about those I love most?  My husband who, after 20 years of marriage, still doesn't do things the way I would like him to?  My friends, who despite my best efforts don't always take my advice?  My kids who sass and fight and push back around every corner?  HONOR those things?  You've got to be kidding!

The Christ dwelling within us is the still, silent soul of every human being, deserving of love, requiring respect, and yearning for kindness and compassion.  We all want to be considered more purely, for who we are, who we REALLY are.  And we can't know that about someone else until we honor their sacred being.  Look to Christ for example and inspiration, and love, LOVE what you trust is inside each of us.  He showed us how to live like that.  Free of judgment, full of grace, and leading with true consideration of each person as they really are.  Perfectly formed, fully loved, and worthy of acceptance.  For this Lenten season, for today, I will try and remember that.  Christ within.  When we meet next, know that I am trying to see you, love you, and I'm giving your sacred soul a big high five!

Fasting and Feasting

A Prayer for Lent:  Fasting and Feasting by William Arthur Ward

Fast from judging others; feast on the Christ dwelling in them.

Fast from emphasis on differences; feast on the unity of life.

Fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of light.

Fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God.

Fast from discontent; feast on gratitude.

Fast from anger; feast on patience.

Fast from pessimism; feast on optimism.

Fast from worry; feast on divine order.

Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation.

Fast from negatives; feast on affirmatives.

Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayer.

Fast from hostility; feast on non-resistance.

Fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness.

Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.

Fast from discouragement; feast on hope.

Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm.

Fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire.

Fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity.

Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence.

Fast from problems that overwhelm; feast on prayer that sustains.

I am a Christian.  I was raised Catholic.  I became Episcopalian.  
I have always observed the season of Lent in the liturgical calendar.  For 40 days prior to Easter, I commit to being reflective and penitent.  I keep mindful of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and His sacrifice of death for the love and forgiveness of us all.  For me, this has always been marked by tradition.


When I was young, my family practiced the typical "giving up something for Lent".   We were supposed to make a personal sacrifice much like Jesus did. We would pick something to do away with during the 40 days of Lent, to remind us of its significance in our lives.  It could be something as simple as chocolate (killer for kids!) or as pious as swearing (tough for teens!).
Of course, as Catholics, we always gave up meat on Fridays too.  For a few years, we tried instead "giving out for Lent" by drawing the name of a family member who you were then required to do something for.  The idea was to again be reminded of sacrificing for the sake of others and noting their importance in your life.  I remember finding little handmade treasures from my sister and my brother refraining from practicing the latest wrestling hold on me during this time.

In college, my roommate Julie and I would go to church together during Lent.  We were glad to have each other as we entered the dining hall on Ash Wednesday sporting the "dust thou shalt return to" prominently on our foreheads, along with a few other faithful friends.  We joked about giving up beer or staying out of the bars altogether during Lent, but never managed to make that happen.  I think we did keep away from a box of Girl Scout cookies that one of our moms sent one year!  Good for us.

The year I was married, Greg and I tried giving up meat altogether for Lent.  We decided to go vegetarian for the Lord.  We made salads, pasta and stir fry for 40 days and then celebrated Easter with the traditional spiral-cut, glazed cheeseburger and rack-of-sirloin.  No chocolate bunnies or jelly beans that year, just threw a pack of beef jerky and a tube of summer sausage in the old baskets!  What were we thinking?!

This year, in honor of Lent, I'm going to reflect and hopefully write about each line of the above prayer by William Arthur Ward.  Being mindful these days is a lot easier than it used to be and it's a lot more satisfying to give up the hustle and bustle of daily life and spend quiet time.  Age gives you that gift.  Quiet reflection. Fasting and Feasting- can't wait to share with you what I learn.  

Letter to my Teenage Self

Dear Stephanie 1981,

Yes, I know your friends call you "Spunky".  That's cute, and I'm glad they recognize that you are happy most of the time.  Making your own happiness is a good life goal.  I'm happy now at age 49 too, in case you were wondering.  I've been happy most of my years and all in all, life's been good.  We've been lucky that way.  Note to self (ha!), let's always be thankful for that.

I have a few things I want to say to you now that I'm older and wiser. I might not know better, but I do know a whole lot more.   So listen carefully, please. It's important for me to set you straight.  You see, I know you are wondering if you are always going to feel the way you do right now.  You know what I'm talking about, right?  That serious case of emotional roller coaster you've got going on. Those higher-than-high and lower-than-low days that make you wonder if you just might be going crazy?!  Well, it doesn't change all that much over the years, I hate to tell you. The track curves differently over time- sometimes more quickly and sometimes more intensely, but it's always bumpy.  So, ride it baby, with your hands in the air! It'll serve you well, I promise. Those peaks and valleys are setting you up for an even wilder ride later and you need to know how to hang on til the end.

Take that best-day-of-my-life feeling you get every time you are hanging out with your friends doing something so crazy fun you are sure it doesn't get any better. You know, Lake Billsby, football and basketball games, cruising Division Street, and parties at Tammie's house?  Next time you are in that moment, just pause a minute and really enjoy it.  The thrill will come again someday but it will be different.  It will be toned down by age and experience. You will get more serious as you get older, more reserved in your joy. You won't catch that feeling of total happiness in the moment.  There will be other things, outside of yourself and your friends, that will weigh you down.  Right now, you don't have that.  It's just you and them and it's priceless. There will be more moments with friends that will bring you joy, but the experience will be more fleeting and your laughter won't be as light or last as long.  So go for it, Spunk, revel in it for as long as you can without breaking curfew.  Oh what the hell, break that curfew once or twice too!  It'll be worth it, I promise.

Now, about those days when you are mad at the world and just can't seem to lighten up.  Those are okay too.  You are going to have lots more of them later, especially after you get married, but let's not even go there right now.  And NO, I'm not going to tell you who you marry!  You have to figure that one out on your own. Hint- tall, dark and handsome.  There, that will keep you up writing in your diary tonight!  Don't forget to lock it.  Gig and Beth read it.  You KNOW they do!
I know Mom and Dad seem like your worst enemies right now.   Every time Mom touches you, you cringe, right?  Dad is the biggest jerk on the planet and they both are unnecessarily strict and nosy.  You can't imagine that you would ever parent the way they do or even care half as much about what your teenager says or does.  WRONG!  You do!  You end up realizing that they did it all out of the most amazing love ever and you will do it exactly the same way.  It's a need that you develop to make your child better than you are.  You want so much for them to be happy and successful that you lose your mind trying to make it so.  You become the annoying, geeky, hovering mom and you end up enjoying the fact that you make your kids ragingly angry most days. It's a sweet sort of revenge.  It's also necessary and you learn that with age.  You will thank them someday.  You will.  No, seriously, YOU WILL.

Those girlfriends that you love so much and want to kill all at the same time?  Yeah, they really piss you off, don't they?  It's that wicked combination of jealousy, competition and lack of self-confidence that will get you at your age.  It gets so much better, I promise.  Those girls become so much more and so much less over time.  You won't care about how much prettier or more popular they are some day.
They will stand by you through things you can't even imagine yet and they will be a constant reminder of your youth.  You will grow up, share your lives, experience similar things, and stand the test of time.
It will be such fun for you to see who they become and how you go through it all together.  You will send them Christmas cards and you will run to the mailbox every December to get theirs in return.  You will love seeing their faces again.  You'll talk on the phone sometimes, send email (huh?!) and get together once and awhile over the years.  Then you will all meet again at your 30th NHS Class Reunion at Grundy's and you will laugh and talk and reminisce, and smile, and hug each other like you had never been apart.  You will even find yourself still calling them those nicknames you have now.  Yes, you will say "Hi, Pooper!" to Paula, even when you see her at her Dad's funeral.  And you will make more good friends, some will even be closer to you than these girls.  Can you imagine?
Friends are the good stuff in life.  You will always cherish and be thankful for them.

Finally, that boy that you are hanging out with.  The one that you say you LOVE?  The one who can make you feel incredible one day and like total crap the next?!  He rocks your world, I know.  You can't imagine that anything will ever mean more to you and he is the most important thing in your life right now.  You suppose that you will go on forever loving and devoting yourself totally to him.  Guess what? This will be one of the biggest life lessons you learn. That being in relationship with someone is the hardest thing you will do in life, but it's worth every bit of the work it takes to see it through. You will discover so much about love, commitment, sharing, and happiness from him. You will also experience so much pain, sadness, anger and disappointment. You will mostly learn invaluable lessons about yourself from your time spent with him. It's all just practice and so necessary.  The really REAL and raw stuff comes later.  You need this warm up time.  Bottom line, what he says or does on any given day, doesn't determine who you are, how happy you can be, or how you choose to live your life.  YOU do all of that.  You always have been and always will be in control of  your own joy and contentment.  You make your way.  You compromise, you appreciate, you fail, and you try again.  You stick with him just long enough to figure it all out for yourself and then your path just keeps getting clearer and clearer.  So learn from him.  Keep your eyes and ears open to what that love teaches you.  It serves you well over time. There is nothing better than a great love in life.  Never gets easier, but it is so sweet.  And you will appreciate it more and more over time.  And no, I'm still not going to tell you who you marry!

So, Spunker, this is your roller coaster ride. It's up and down and back up again!  The highs are so astounding and the lows so unbearable, but it's your one, long ride!  You've still got a ways to go, so keep hanging on and feel the wind in your hair.  Alway, ALWAYS throw those hands up and scream! I'm telling you, regardless of how rough or how thrilling the journey, you're going to live through it.  Your life just keeps on going round and round. Sit right up front and ENJOY it!  I still am.

Oh, and one last thing, please go downstairs and hug your mom.  Tell her you love her.  She will get better and more tolerable over time. Just like you.

Love,
Stephanie 2013